seems like a faraway dream,
she thought.
pictures and people fly past the window beside her as she gazes outward.
it was dark, and night had already fallen.
the stars did not seem to find their way,
and clouds lightly touched the dark sky tonight,
missing the little lights that breathed their laughter.

it seemed all like a dark memory of long,
when she used to know him,
and talked all night long they did.
tears were shared,
laughter joined their hearts;
but now it seemed like they were strangers,
hardly speaking a word as they sat across each other.

it started to rain.

she started fighting battles on her own,
and lost to many, surviving but one.
the haze in her heart, the fog,
it could not be lifted.
it hung over,
threatening to kill the life that was in there.
they say the grass is always greener on the other side,
it wasn't.
everywhere,
the grass lay withered and scorched,
burnt an amber black.

the gardener hung his head in grief,
and breathed his last.
it was not meant to be, he whispers.
off he goes, away into an awakening.

how can she not run away,
and escape into a world that was not real?
it is,
so easy to run.
run and hide,
pretend. that it was all a dream,
a nightmare,
til the awakening comes.
then with it much screaming and fighting begins.

oh,
come.
and slay.
slay and bring life again.

1:08 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

What is Sturge-Weber Syndrome?

Sturge-Weber syndrome is a neurological disorder indicated at birth by seizures accompanied by a large port-wine stain birthmark on the forehead and upper eyelid of one side of the face. The birthmark can vary in color from light pink to deep purple and is caused by an overabundance of capillaries around the trigeminal nerve just beneath the surface of the face.

Sturge-Weber syndrome is also accompanied by the loss of nerve cells and calcification of tissue in the cerebral cortex of the brain on the same side of the body as the birthmark. Neurological symptoms include seizures that begin in infancy and may worsen with age. Convulsions usually happen on the side of the body opposite the birthmark and vary in severity. There may be muscle weakness on the same side.

Some children will have developmental delays and mental retardation; most will have glaucoma (increased pressure within the eye) at birth or developing later. The increased pressure within the eye can cause the eyeball to enlarge and bulge out of its socket (buphthalmos). Sturge-Weber syndrome rarely affects other body organs.

so sad.
my heart ails, cries. for the children who suffer.
and my hair stands as i see disturbing pictures.

sighs.

1:03 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

somehow, it feels a part of me has died again.

i wish Thy way,
but when in me myself would rise
and long for something otherwise,
then, Holy One, take sword
and spear
and slay.
-Amy Carmichael


going back to the days of old where i listened to the songs that touched my heart.
through the difficult times, and moments close to my heart.

when a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
i'll offer you me
and you'll politely decline

and oh how hard it is to shut off, lock away memories away in a secret box,
til the time comes.

What if the wicked nature,
which is as a sea casting out
mire and dirt, rage against Thee?
There is a river,
a sweet, still, flowing river,
the streams whereof will make glad
thy heart.
And learn but in quietness and stillness
to retire to the Lord,
and wait upon Him,
in whom thou shalt feel peace
and joy,
in the midst of thy trouble
from the cruel and
vexatious spirit of the world.
-Isaac Pennington, 17th Century author

Come what may,
hold me close in Your arms.

i realise the upcoming schedule i have and i refrain from pulling my hair in angst and anxiety,
for i know who holds tomorrow.

You do, Lord.
remind me.

Oh for grace to trust Him more.

2:57 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Be strong and very courageous, and the Lord thy God shall certainly, as surely as He built the heavens and the earth, glorify Himself in thy weakness, and magnify his might in the midst of thy distress.
The grandeur of the arch of heaven would be spoiled if the sky were supported by a single visible column, and your faith would lose its glory if it rested on anything discernible by the carnal eye.
-Charles H. Spurgeon


let my life bring You glory,
and let me live for the audience of One,
not for the applause of men.




With this ring,
I pledge you my love,
and I promise to love you,
to cherish you,
in sickness and in health,
for richer, for poorer,
til death do us part.

1:02 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

my heart totally was crushed.
when i saw the photos,
and the sight of the ot and the sight of the organs and raw flesh,
i feel my stomach churn,
and my heart skips a beat.

as i thought of the old lady who suffered major burns,
and surgeons were like using the "skin peeler" (look like for fruits that kind)
and peeling off her skin.
i felt sick.
never did i feel that way before.

and now seeing all the raw and gross (as in really real-life) sights and tissues,
i feel that inward cringe.

whatever happened, and caused him so much trauma and hurt?
and reduced him to a half-man?

i'm disturbed.
and i need sleep.

please grant me rest for my weary soul.

12:02 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Here i stand
forever in Your mighty hand
living with Your promise
written on my heart


what comfort You give me Lord.
Your word that never ever fails.
never.

i thank you for tears, that they enable me to release my stress and emotions.

"To break down the barriers i have built to guard my heart."
and you do it ever so gently,
perhaps even without my knowing.
and heal my heart from the hurts i have.


thank you.

tonight,
i faced the giant of 3103 without the stress and anxiety i would have had,
if i had not your words of comfort.

there is still the nagging doubts at the back of my mind,
but what else can i do but trust You for more grace that You will provide.
and the strength that You give me.
to last another day ahead.

thank You dearest Jesus.

i love You.

5:15 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i'm being pulled into a war.
and i feel my heart wrenched into so many folds.
whatever happened?

wish i could go for a run and not return.
feel the night air on my face.
what happened?

why all the bitterness and angst.
and frustration.
wish You could take me home now.

would you stay just a little,
that's enough.

11:07 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i need a change.
desperately.

God help me.
think i'm going nuts inside.

and i need exercise and to stop snacking.
cheers to me buying one packet of chips just now.

):

stop looking inward and start praying for the world around you.

10:43 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

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of old.

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credits.

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wonderful people

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